Not just a race…a defining moment!

I feel really good writing this blog. Today has been a good day as life has once again shown me the mirror. A mirror to self realisation. And I am excited to share this experience with you all.

My first experience with marathons was way back in the early nineties. Though I didn’t run a long distance, 4 kms for a person who had no inclination towards any kind of sport, was challlenging enough. I vaguely remember, it was organised by a charity organisation in Sharjah and we were forced by our school to participate. And it was a terrible experience. What I do remember is that we all got oversized t-shirts and a few diary products, juices and biscuits to take home.

Fast forward to 2014. The Standard Chartered Dubai Marathon was announced to be held in January 2015 and our company had organised training sessions for participants. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to run a 10 km race. I had never run such a long distance before. There were many voices in my head telling me this was not for me. And my personal circumstances were even more challenging at that point. The love of my life was battling a dreaded disease and we were completely immersed in her treatment. I didn’t even know if I would be able to run on the announced date as we used to fly to Mumbai and back every 21 days. As luck would have it, we didn’t have a scheduled visit to Mumbai around the race day.

It was time to take a decision, and it was not mine alone. I had to take a buy-in from my wife. And as expected, she was furious. I had been having sleepless nights, had put on weight, was not in the best of shape. But I really wanted to run. So I registered for the event. Even though I rarely participated in the training sessions with the team, I had started to walk and run. I was watching my diet. I was doing everything possible to ensure I survived the race. I lost about 6 kgs in a span of 6 months before and after the race. I was feeling good about myself.

Then comes the race day. I was all prepared, physically and mentally. I kissed my wife goodbye and drove to the race venue. I was late, so I had to park my car at quite a distance from the start line. The pre-race walk was a good warm up. Seeing the huge crowd was both scary and gave me good energy as well. The race started and off I went. My first 4 kms were fast , and then I slowed down my pace. But I never stopped, ran and walked all the way. The last 2 km were epic, by my standards. I had just one goal, to finish the race. Out of nowhere, I visualised scenes out of Bhaag Milka Bhaag and raced towards the finish line. I had my arms up in the air as I crossed the finish line, as if I was the first to finish. It was an ecstatic moment, I had completed my first 10 km road race. And my time was 1:15:56, not bad for an amateur runner. I was really happy.

I went home and I was welcomed with happy faces. My wife was really proud of me and my little baby fell in love with the medal. And that is what I wanted.

Often people would ask me, why I had decided to run this race. Why was I willing to spend time away from my wife, who wanted each and every second that she got with me. Why was I willing to spend a few dollars on a race. Was I doing this for charity. All sorts of questions.

Let me tell you why. My wife was going through the worst phase of her life. She knew what most of us never even think about. She knew that her disease was going to take her life and she had few years to live. Her self confidence and positivism had been shattered to pieces, like a fragile piece of glass. And I knew what nobody else did. I knew she was not going to live beyond a few months. She didn’t have much time left, she was slowly going away from us. She looked up to me, she got energy and positivism from me. At the same time, she was concerned about the future of our son and me. She was not very sure I was focusing on that aspect.

Here’s why I decided to run the race. I wanted to prove to her that I can achieve all that I set my eyes on. I wanted to boost her self confidence through my achievement and get rid of her self doubt. I wanted to show her that nothing is impossible. I wanted her to apply this train of thought in her life. I wanted to see her happy. And I got what I intended. I saw her more energetic and focused than ever, in spite of her condition. And at the back of my mind, I really wanted to prove her doctors wrong. I wanted her to live for a longer time. I wanted her to fight her disease with positivism. And I decided I will never skip this annual race again.

I lost my wife a few months post my first race. Then came the race in 2016. Unfortunately, my circumstances didn’t allow me to participate in the race. And I didn’t really bother. And today, I regret for letting it go.

And here we are today. I decided to participate in this year’s run at a very late stage, barely few weeks before the race. Life was topsy-turvy, I wasn’t sure about myself. I was going through a lot in life, my self doubt was mounting. And I reached a point where I had stopped believing in myself, self confidence was going down the drain. Everything around me was affected, my relationships, my career, my entrepreneurial aspirations, just about every little thing.

Today, I was lucky to park my car not very far from the start line. It was kind of a flashback moment. The crowd cheering, the energy flowing around, it made me feel positive. And then I go again, another race had started. I had two thoughts, I had to finish the race and beat my self best time. My first 2 kms were fast and well paced. And then I kind of slowed down till I reached midway. At that point, my legs and lungs had almost given up, I felt I would collapse. I slowed down even more, I was struggling to walk. I felt I was left behind, everybody just zooming past me. As I finished 8 kms, I knew I wouldn’t be able to beat my previous time. But I had to finish my race. I had to finish what I started. I pushed myself, I told my mind to take over. I had to run past the finish line. And I gave myself a new target. I told myself that I can’t take even a second more than 1:30:00. I picked up pace, I gave it my best. I couldn’t feel my legs. I started to breathe. I told my mind to defy all limitations and just go for it. 9 kms done, I was gasping, but my focus was clear. I had to finish this and prove myself wrong. And I did, I finished in 1:29:51. That was my defining moment. That was life teaching me a lesson.

For me this was not just another race. I have succumbed to self doubt before and almost ruined myself. And I badly wanted to get out of it. And today’s race fixed this issue that I have been battling with for quite some time. And I look forward to keeping this attitude for life, for this is what I am.

Limits exist only in the mind. My limit is beyond the sky. Either push yourself or die. I refuse to give up, because it is not an option. I have never quit on anything in life, and I never will.

See you folks at the next race!