Till Death Do Us Part

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Out of the 10 years, I was able to celebrate this momentous occasion with my soulmate four times only. She is no longer with us and all I have are just the beautiful memories we shared together. Technically my marriage lasted only 4 years, 5 months and 12 days. This was followed by 2 years of situational depression. In the last 3 years I have been able to pull myself out of this self-inflicted situation and embrace life once again. A life in which the most important is our son Ehan who turned 8 early this month. Life has a meaning again.

In the last few years, I have come across a lot of ‘well-wishers’ who have, directly or indirectly, told me to get a hold of myself, bury the past, let go of memories and move on. I know some of them care for me and mean well, but I guess some don’t understand why I do the things that I do. And I fail to comprehend what is it that I do differently because it is quite normal to me.

To me, a marriage is not a formal life contract. It is not just a union of two people, but that of two souls and the amalgamation of their thoughts, dreams, aspirations, habits, families, friends and much more. And when you marry someone, you vow to be with your partner in joy and sorrow; health and sickness; and ups and downs. I would not belittle the people who chose to separate from their partners, they must have their valid and strong reasons. But in my case, I have not left the person whom I vowed to be with for life. I have lost her, forever, and she is never coming back. That is the harsh reality of my life and I am living with it. It took me some years, but I did wake up to the fact that she is no longer with me. How do I erase the memories that I have lived with her? And what difference does it make anyway? How does it impact my existing and future relationships? Why is there even an expectation to crush such harmless memories. I have, in fact, learned a lot from the few years that I was married. I am sensible enough not to repeat the mistakes I committed then. I have moved on. I am living a normal life with the people I love and am open to building new relationships.

I am not a saint. I would lie if I say I have been a perfect husband. I have been a terror many a times. I have had fights during my short-wedded life. I have been annoying and selfish. But I have also taken a conscious effort to turn things green again. And almost every time, it was a mutual understanding that got our relationship afloat again. No marriage is perfect, it can never be. You can’t have a lovey-dovey existence throughout your life. But you need to have the understanding and patience to overcome all differences and misunderstandings, for the sake of your marriage. I would never end a relationship unless there was a justified reason to do so, a reason beyond normal imagination.

My wife was unwell and undergoing treatment for almost 3 years. I was always by her side. I didn’t feel the need to concentrate on anything else besides her and Ehan. She did the best a mother, wife, daughter and sister could do in her worst days. She never accepted defeat and went on with her life, be it personal or professional. She was always the real hero of our marriage. But, I as a husband have faulted a few times during this phase. Perhaps there were moments where I couldn’t stay strong and the dam of my emotions gave way. I always felt my wife will never forgive me for my mistakes. In her diary to Ehan, there is a page where she has blasted me for some of my actions. And on another, she has praised me and instructed Ehan to always love and respect his father. I want Ehan to go through her diary when it is the right time and understand this aspect of marriage as well. He needs to know.

Before I conclude, I would like to share my last few moments with my wife. Her condition had deteriorated, and her doctor advised us to take her home. We were on our way from Mumbai to Furus and decided to take a halt to allow the elderly and kids to refresh. There was a brief period when I was alone with my wife in the ambulance. I had last spoken to her a day before and at that point she was not able to talk, move or do anything. All I wanted was to talk to her because honestly, I had no idea if I would be able to do that again. I apologized to her for not being able to save her from the wretched condition that she was in. I assured her that I would try to give Ehan all the love I can, not just as a father but as a mother as well. Finally, I begged her for forgiveness. I didn’t want to live with the guilt and shame of putting her through all the pain caused by my irresponsible actions. And then, a miracle happened. This woman - who refused to talk, move or do anything that entire day - had a tear running down her cheek. I might be wrong, but I guess that was her way to tell me that she had forgiven me. I can’t even imagine what she might have gone through to do that one act that helped liberate me from my guilt. We reached home and she passed a few minutes later. The elders called for a doctor to break the news, but I knew that she had left us. It took me time to accept this shocking truth and to cry my heart out. That is the true moment I let her go. We both had fulfilled the promise we had made to each other – to be together till death came our way.

I hope this helps my well-wishers understand my side of the story. I never did anything extraordinary. I did what I was meant to do, as a husband, partner and friend. I am honored to have served my wife. These are life moments I can never erase from my memory and if life gives me an opportunity again, I will do everything I can to build a strong and lasting relationship.

Happy wedding anniversary Jaan. Ehan and I miss you, and love you a lot.

May Allah The Almighty raise your rank in Jannah and shower His blessings on you.