I am sorry…

Just the thought of writing this blog made me angry! But I had to open myself to the fact and admit to the world that I do have this seemingly common disorder. To some it may sound silly but this is a very serious and intense condition. I don’t want to judge others, but I have learnt this the hard way. In fact, many times over – to the point that I can’t take it anymore. Because if I don’t take any concrete action now, I might end up losing my life – not physical but in terms of sanity and self-respect.

Time and again, I have realized that my anger has been the reason for my strained relationships with many of my loved ones. A few moments of intolerance leads to an eruption, so violent, that it washes away all the good I have done over a period of time. And the pressure is way too high to have an outburst, not because I love to do it, but due to the simple reason that I choose to bury my feelings over a period of time and it becomes quite impossible for me to contain them anymore.

Believe me, I don’t like to be called an ‘angry young man’ or ‘angry bird’. I don’t take it as a complement. I used to brag about it being a family trait, especially among the men. But lately, I have begun to hate it so much that I feel I might hurt myself so badly and I won’t be able to recover from the damage I might bring upon myself. It is something I want to avoid, to the best possible extent, but this feeling keeps on lingering in my head.

It is said that one shouldn’t allow negativity to prevail for more than a few seconds, the focus should be consciously shifted to something positive. Well, I have tried that too and failed miserably, and it has led to disastrous consequences – to the extent that I have ruined some very beautiful relationships. And to rub salt on my wounds, I realize the blunder I have done almost immediately. But the damage is already done!

Why do I get angry? What is it that makes me angry? I have no answers for these questions. Most of the times my anger is not justified at all. It has kind of become a habit, which I am unable to get rid of.

Whom do I get angry with? Most of the times it is a person who is not at all responsible for my anger, but just happens to be at the receiving end, at the wrong time. And they happen to be the people I love the most.

How and where do I get angry? You don’t want to know about this. I have had outbursts at the worst places one can imagine and in all forms.

After I have had an outburst, I realize I could have handled the situation in a better manner and avoided the whole mess, but it is too late to go back and mend ways. Why is it that I get the realization very late? Even if I have an intuition that I might end up switching on my angry mode and I prepare what is to be said and done to avoid this mode, something gets over me and makes sure this mode is activated. What is it that makes me so helpless that I can’t control myself? Is it something that is part of me, something that is within me? Is it my subconscious mind? My alter ego?

Why am I unable to talk to myself and get out of it? Why am I doing this?

Anger has not helped anyone and it can’t help in any way. Problems are best sorted when solved with a calm mind. But what is it that brings about a storm in an otherwise calm state of mind. Is it my past, my experience, my expectations, what is it? God helps those who help themselves, but why am I so helpless in helping myself? I have asked myself this question many times in the last few weeks, but I am yet to get a convincing answer. But I refuse to leave this unsorted, I have to weed out this problem once and for all.

I am not a saint, I have a terrible negative side. Fortunately, many people in my life do not know about this. But those who have faced my ire, know what it is like. Most of my victims have been kind enough to ignore me and move on, but some have not forgiven me, for reasons I can very well understand.

I can’t hate anybody, I simply can’t do that. And it hurts me a lot to see relationships been wasted because of my stupid actions. The purpose of this blog is not to highlight my disorder, but to seek forgiveness from all those whom I have hurt. At the end, it is all about relationships. And this is the first stage of my treatment. I have to repent for my bad deeds and actions. I need abundance of love in my life and I have to ask for it.

To all those who are reading this post, I am sorry if I hurt you knowingly or unknowingly.

And I hope I get well soon.

Wish you all a great life ahead!